Buddhafied

Team in Training

If I have to pick one single best decision I have made for myself last year, it will have to be joining Team in Training. 

In a nutshell, Team in Training is the world's largest endurance sports training program. They provide trainings, mentorings and they pay for the cost of athletes to go to all kinds of races in the world; all they ask is the athletes to fundraise for the Leukemia and Lumphoma Society. 

Around last January, I had just broken up with Scott for about 2 months. I started living by myself and it was a very mentally challenging time for me. I heard this ad on the radio which they promote about TnT going to the San Diego Rock n' Roll Marathon. Maybe because I needed to find something to do, maybe I felt that I should be helping people instead of staying home all the time, or maybe it was just because of fate, I decided to go to the information session. I signed up for the race on the spot and I remember thinking what have I got myself into.

Then week after week, I went to the group training sessions. At first, it was very awkward when I have to hangout with strangers that I felt having nothing I can relate to... I mean, most of the people there have a very specific reason to join Team and Training and the cause is very close to their heart. As much as I have done a lot of fundraisings for cancer researche and love doing so, I actually don't have a very direct connection with cancer. But still, I stuck with it because the people were nice enough and it was good to get out of bed at 6am on Sunday morning instead of wasting my time.

Slowly, I started to learn while I run. I will talk to myself in my head when I run and confront with my angers, my darkest secrets and the sense of lost of what was happening to me back then; instead of running away from my problems, I felt that I have nowhere to go but to run straight in to them. Eventually, running became a form of meditation for me (which I haven't done for a very long time), and I was able to make peace and progress on my recovery.

It was so simple as well. All I have to do is to make one step at a time. That is all I have to care about – one foot in front of the other. As long as I do that, I'm moving forward. I might not be able to see the end of the road, but every step that I made counts. One step at a time, a concept that I have never able to understand until I start running.

With my heart starting to lighten up, I slowly became more open and talk to people in the training group. They ended up being an important part of my life. They will joke with me that I'm always a few minutes late to the gathering but showing up with my Starbucks cup. It might sound silly, but it was just enough attention I needed from people I felt that there are others who care for my existence. Regardless of what their initiative, these are people who care about other humans, that's why they join the Team. For a person who often lose faith in the human race, it's a breathe of fresh air. Six months after the race in San Diego, I still get messages from these friends of mine. Running with them every second week and then hanging out for brunch afterward has become one of the highlights of my week.

With all that Team in Training has given me, I thought it was only appropriate that I give back. That's why I signed up mentoring for the San Diego run this year. I want to be part of someone's journey to recover something they might have lost or to discover something they have yet to be found.

#23/365 Team in Training

What ifs

As much as I want to keep myself from thinking about the past, sometimes it still can be difficult. Today is one of those days that I couldn't stop thinking about the "what ifs".

What if things didn't happen the way that it did; what if the mistake hadn't been made. What if we've never met; what if we left it at friends. What if I told you earlier; what if you've forgiven me. So many what ifs, so many possibilities, yet things happened this way.

Sometimes I'd like to think there are parallel universes, where each of the what if has its own timeline. How many of them will be a happy ending? How many of them will end with the same result? How many of me will still be lonely?

In one of them everyone will be happy, right? In one of them for sure we will all sit around and laugh about it one day. In one of them we know we've made the right decision, right? In one of them there will be no guilt or sorrow. In one of them I won't be thinking about the what ifs...

So many what ifs, so many universes. Which one am I in? I am in the "right one", right?

Furry Walls

Recent years, I have come to terms that I am a movie snob.

Now, I'll like to point out despite that I call myself that, I will still go to a movie that I think will be bad if enough people wanted to go see it. I will watch it prejudicially but be extremely critical about it. In particular, I am picky with comedies. I like watching a comedy that has a little bit of substance instead of just cheap laughs. I know... I did say I am a snob. (Just for the fun of it, see how many times I make a snarky remark about other movies in this entry. Starts... now!)

In 2010, there were two comedies that I love: Easy A and Get Him to the Greek.

Get Him to the Greek was sort of a prequel of Forgetting Marshall (which I like but not love). The plot was simple, Aaron Green, a low-level talent scout played by pre-skinny version of Jonah Hill, needs to get Aldous Snow, a substance abused fallen rock star played by pre-married version of Russell Brand, to the Greek Theatre in LA for the 10 year anniversary of his legendary show. It was a little "what else can go wrong" sort of movie but not to the level of extremeness like the overrated Hungover. 

There were a turning point in this movie, it was a bit half way through the movie when Aaron accidentally intake some 'Jeffery' ("why the *beep* is it called Jeffrey?" "Cause who could be scared of Jeffrey? Jeffrey’s just a nice bloke from down the road") and did some crazy things. Through this weird incident, both characters broke through and resolved something that they weren't able to do prior to it. And this leads us to today's topic – Furry Walls (yes, it took me a while, but at least there is a reason for my post and not about teenage girl deciding between necrophilia and bestiality that lasted 5 movies)

While Aaron was high and thought he had a heart attack, Aldous had to comfort him and the only thing he had in front of his was a furry wall. He told Aaron to just keep on stroking the furry wall and everything will be fine. It was a crazy scene and I know it doesn't make much sense but it happened. At the end of the movie, Aldous wrote a song, and the lyrics was just as crazy:

When the world slips you a Jeffery,
Stroke the furry wall,
Stroke the furry wall,

Furry walls don't bring me down,
Furry walls please stay around,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls kiss me to sleep,
Furry walls please help me read,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls can take you on a magic carpet ride,
Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide,
Let your furry fingers be your guide

Furry walls turn out the light,
Furry walls please stay the night,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls let's have a taste,
Furry walls sit on my face,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above,
All around are furry clouds, look, here's a furry dove,
Let me stroke your furry walls of love,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls, I am amazed,
Furry walls, we're in a daze,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Don't be in a hurry, things aren't the way they were,
Shaggy walls of loveliness, it's all a furry blur,
Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above,
All around are furry clouds, look, here's a furry dove,
Let the walls caress you in a showering of love,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls, I'm gonna cry,
Furry walls, please lift me high,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

You may ask, why does this crazy song or the concept of furry walls intrigues me? Because it make sense to me and I can actually relate to that.

When life hits you with something unexpected, sometimes all you can do is to hold onto something and keep tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. Furry wall is really the same concept, as crazy it may sound, of My Favourite Things. You remind yourself with what your dreams are, what makes you happy until finally you break out of that cycle of fear and uncertain. Finding peace in things.

We sometimes just need that furry walls. When I was going through my darkest moments I sometimes remember the scene and the lyrics of this song "and then I don't feel... so bad!"

#20/365 – Furry Walls

2012

Alright, it's the time of the year that everyone makes some form of list, or at least takes a mental note, of what he/she should accomplish in the next 365 days. I can tell you that I am horrible with New Year resolutions. I have enough battles in my head, each morning, negotiating getting up. That being said, I discovered two things last year:

1. The concept of "one-step-at-a-time" – as long as I know there is a destination, I have enough mental focus to get there. Without a clear visual destination, I will procastinate.
2. Gamers are persistence with goals and small tasks (well, good gamers at least, which I will bite your head off if you even remotely argue I am anything but a good gamer) – being a gamer for nearly 3 decades, I got the patient to do tasks that are even the most boring things as long as there is a visual reward at the end, even if it's as stupid as a congratulations message "you have earned the ultimate-finished-everything-in-the-game trophy" or a piece of paper with all the goals crossed out. Without that visual reward, I will procastinate.

So here it is, based on these two discoveries, it is better for me to at least have a list of things I want to accomplish. This list will be like a game for me, they are like "side-missions" and I know I'm good with those.

Now, I've posted the list here. Most of them are quite self-contained except for a few that require some conditions from others. I think it's a very realistic list in which it will challenge me on some level but not too far-fetch.

I am pretty eager to start crossing things out on this list actually. To start, I'm going to make this entry part of my 365 days of happiness entries... because... making goals make me happy(?!)... oh shush, I just made bunch of goals and wrote two posts in 24 hours, at least cut me a slack on finding another thing to be happy about!

... and the negotiation begins...

Reincarnated

Everything that has a beginning has an end. Being a Buddhist, this is not a concept that I'm unfamiliar of, yet it was the hardest one to accept.

The last 14 months was probably the most challenging time of my life. Within a few months, I experienced lost of a relationship, lost of almost everything that I've owned and built up during that relationship and then lost of Cleo. Followed by trying to pick myself back up while carrying all the sorrows, regrets and guilt I had. It was the kind of sadness that could happen to anyone anyday, but for me, the day lasted days, weeks and then months.

What came out of these experiences – the meltdown opening the vet's sympathy card, which you refused to open even months after your pet died, and found there were a paw print included; the collapse from heat exhaustion, during a half marathon you've trained for months, at a few yards before the finish line; the denial of happiness, that you slept on an aero-mattress for 7 months and 12 days, even at last minute in front of the checkout counter at Ikea you felt like you can't pay because buying a bed means accepting this is your new reality, that you are alone – is that I know how to appreciate what is in front of me before I lose them; is that I know I can fall down and still be a winner; is that I know I can be happy again.

What I also learned was that I am never alone and I am loved. I am surrounded by people who think I am the most precious thing they have and they will always be there for me because they love me, regardless of the mistakes that I've made. I am proud that I am part of their lives.

So, here I am again, ready to share my thoughts, ready to search for my happiness, ready to continue what I left off. I'm rebooting this blog, it is now Buddhafied: Reincarnated. Same format, same run-on sentences, a new me.

I am back. Happy 2012, everyone.

Merry-go-round

 

Originally posted on my twitter...

No matter how many times I do this, it never seems to be easier. Never like saying goodbye, never like being left behind. Yet, my life seems to be full of moments like this. Is it a lesson to learn that I should cherish the happy times, or not to try so hard? Maybe if I forget the thought of "self", things will be easier, but "self" is also all that I have. Without me, will there be feelings?

As much as how overwhelming the feelings it could be, it's the only way to prove my existence. To suffer my way through. So, I choose to continue on, maybe the mere existence of me can bring people happiness. Maybe that is my purpose in life: a merry-go-round.

When the music stop, when the happy faces step down and leave, I will be still be there.

Ingratiate Oneself

Ingratiate Oneself
 Faye Wong Translated by me...

Pleasing oneself,
 Avoiding reality,
  Unconsciously,
  Withdrawl.

Let all the right and wrong,
 Become my logic.

Diplomatic,
 Handling method,
 Hide away,
 My face.

Actually, it's my inferiority,
 Actually, it's deceiving myself.

Pleasing oneself,
 Avoiding reality,
 Unconsciously,
 Float away.

Pessimistic

I am a pessimist. 

Nobody seems to agree (or like the fact) that I am a pessimistic person, for the obvious reasons because I'm "upbeat", "energetic", "talkative", "cheerful", and I like to cheer other people up. Yet, none of these things are mutually exclusive with being a pessimist. If anything, these traits help myself to divert attention away from my own pessimistic and self-esteem problems.

From Dictionary.com:

pes·si·mism [pes-uh-miz-uhm] 
–noun

1. Pessimism, from the Latin pessimus (worst), is the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.

2. the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.

3. the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness.

I need a lot of reassurance to remind myself that life is beautiful. 

I can't help to see only the dark side about different situations, therefore I always make up these nice stories about things, hoping that I could fool myself into believing what I came up with can be true. At least it helps me to see a brighter side to the situation.

I rather get disappointed ahead of time than to be disappointed by others later, because it's easier to handle when I'm prepared. Even if it's unnecessary. I don't have to show my true sadness to others when I have already been through it.

I'm afraid of having nice things, because nice things always break in my hands, and I always end up upsetting myself. The more I treasure something, the higher chance that it will end up getting damaged, more often enough from my own cause.

Not trying to be self pity... because even though I'm pessimistic about things, I know I am a very lucky person. Just that sometimes, I want to be held tightly and be told that things are going to be okay.

Confront

It took me 4 months to write this post. 

I've tried many times typing this, but I guess I just wasn't ready. It is very difficult to type about something when it's very complex but at the same time you have to keep a certain amount of privacy. However, without finishing this post, I'll never be able to continue on with another. So, here it is. It will be vague, because it was on purposely written that way.

I remember there was this Japanese drama series in the 90's. It was a life long biography of an incredible woman, who ended up being the founder of Yaohan, one of the largest department/grocery chains in Japan the last century. The theme song of this series was very simple, yet it had a line that I always remember. It goes "who will treasure the things when you still have them, but when they are about to vanish we all want to save them". It's a very simple concept, yet we all will get caught in the moment of something and never remember what we treasure the most in our life. So we carry on, taking things for granted and eventually something happens and we watch things collapse right in front of our eyes and think "what have I done". 

Some say it's a curse, some say it's a blessing, but when you see karma happening so fast, all you can do is to hope that you have done something right at one point, and that small glimpse of light is bright enough to lead you back to Eden. That the seed you planted had grown roots strong enough to last the stormy nights. That after the evils unleashed from the Pandora Box, there really is "hope" remaining.

The air was dense, the nights were dark, the soul was empty. Where are we? Then the silent broke, it's the moment of confront. What to do? There was anger, there were truths, there were still problems. Can we handle? 

Nobody said that after the storm there will be a clear sky, nor that having a clear sky can guarantee to see a rainbow. At the end, all we can do is to live through the day and see whether the sun will shine again. You hope that the sun will shine again. You need the sun to shine again.

For the handful of you who knew what happened, thank you for being there and didn't judge. For those who knew something was wrong, thank you for your kind words and encouragements despite not knowing what's going on. For those didn't know what happened, it was nothing glory to tell.

Dilemma: ebay counterfeit

I have an ebay account since 1998, when shopping online was a pretty new thing. Though I have only bought one or two things a year off the site, I generally have pretty good experience with it, namely I got a few very hard to get collectible items that I take out every few years and feel good about them. Unfortunately, my wonderful streak of lucking out and getting nice stuff from ebay finally came to an end last night. 

About a week back, I was roaming on ebay and saw something that I saw in Hong Kong but couldn't made up my mind whether I should get back then. Needless to say, when I went back to the same store again a few months later it was gone. So when I saw it on ebay, I was pretty excited. I know this item was a limited edition, so it is pretty rare, not to mention a premium price, so I was pretty cautious with the listing (If you know me or have been reading this blog for some time, you will know how much I hate counterfeits.) I read all the fine prints and even the Question and Answer section of the seller regarding on the item, which the seller insist numerous times that this item was "sealed" and is "real". So even though I still have a bit of doubt about it, I decide to just trust the listing and bought it.

For the week coming ahead, I kept on having this bad feeling that I made a mistake.

So yesterday, I had my little claim paper on my hand and went to the post office to pickup my prize. The moment I took the box out of the postage wrap I knew it was a counterfeit. How do I know? I was born in the pirate city of the world, I knew, since I was a very young age, how to distinguish counterfeits from the real ones. First of all, though they did an excellent job to imitate the box printing, the graphic is nowhere near regular prints (graphic designer by day, videogame freak by night); the quality of the product was poor and the serial number was fake (I happen to have a similar item at home, so I cross referenced it); and most of all, I have actually seen the real item before, so I know the box size was actually wrong. 

What they did was took a regular item that was sold in North America, changed the box art, changed the skin of the product and ship it as the real item. The problem is, this limited edition was NEVER made into a North American version at all. 

As I was feeling a little bit confrontational last night, I decided to write them a letter telling them how I know they are selling counterfeits and demand my money and shipping cost back. I also filed an investigation through ebay and started a ticket through paypal's resolution centre. A few hours later, I got an email back from the seller:

dear customer, thank you very much for your email. It will be highly appreciate it if you contact us first before raising any DISPUTES to Paypal. We guarantee to solve the problems in anyway for your satisfaction. first of all, i am apologize for any inconvenience caused by the console. this is a brand new in box American version console, item was tested, checked and packed in good condition before send, i repeat this is not an imitated, i did not changed skin into a yellow version, please do not [accuse] me for that, as i get item from a reliable supplier and been selling then for no problem at all. however customer's satisfication are most important to me, if you don't  satisfy with the item you have got, resend or full refund will be provide, as we guarantee to solve the problems in anyway for your satisfaction. please do get back for me for solution and kindly close the disputed. Please don't be hesitate to contact me if you have any enquiries. I'll try my best to assist. Thank you very much again. We look forward to serving you again in near future. 

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, as I like to think I'm not an a-hole... that being said, I think it's bull crap that they didn't know it's not a counterfeit. After all, this is Hong Kong we are talking about. People sell these type of stuff for a living, especially electronics. Playing the "I get item from a reliable supplier" card do not go anywhere with this hometown boy. This actually make me even more disappointed as they are basically denying it. I would rather they go blunt and just tell me to ship back the item for a full refund than defending what clearly is a fraud.

I am currently left with two options. I can deal with them directly and get my money back, as "customer's satisfaction are most important" to them (yeah, how about selling real stuff for a change instead? That will satisfy me very much), or I make a big fuss with ebay and try to get their account suspended but potentially won't get my money back. 

The item itself wasn't very expensive, but at the same time I do not have a lot of spare money to spend right now. In fact, this was, actually, the last item I let myself buy for a while, as I have decided to hold off all my luxury spending for the rest of the year. (Yeah... double sad-face for me for getting fake stuff)

That being said, this seller is selling more than one of this item on the site and still have many more to sell according to the page. So there are less observant people might not know and fall into the trap. I would hate to think that I didn't take an action to stop this.

What would you do, my friends? Cash back and forget about it, or be the crusader and potentially sacrifice myself?