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November 06, 2008

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Oh aren't parents wonderful! I remember a lot of this sort of thing from my Mum. It seemed really childish on her part but I gradually realised that I was switching sides on the see-saw, becoming the parent.

As you are firming up your adult life (settling down, buying a new place etc), your Mom is becoming the child, increasingly dependent on her faraway Son for emotional boosts. And in your situation there's always going to be some other person's Son who is more attentive, visits more frequently or is just plain THERE. You'll never win. All you can do is assure yourself, as you have, that you've already done a great deal to spend time with your parents - you've seen a lot more of them than some people do. And don't respond to the clumsy emotional blackmail other than to stay calm and say very little. Maybe your Mum will re-set her expectations, but that might not happen. As my Mum got older (before her recent decline) her behaviour indicated that the most important thing for her was how I made her look in front of others - I had a duty to give her stuff she could show off with, and she was resentful of any failures to do so.

Your Mum not calling you until you've made a step toward her? That's just childish sulking and needs to be stopped now. Generally, if you ignore a sulking child they realise they're not going to get attention that way and re-engage. Be strong with her as to what you're already doing and what she can expect. She might (eventually) appreciate the boundaries you set.

Oh this stuff makes me mad, too, obviously... I could go on all day but my lunch-break has come to an end!

Courage, my Friend!

G

Mom's are funny human beings ... they love us to death, but sometimes they can get to us! :-)

I'd call her, and tell her you love her -

Thanks for stopping by today,

Warren and Steve

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the replies. I know my Mom is just being a child. To be honest I'm quite used to that by now. As much I really want them to know that the reason why I can't be with them all the time is because they have left me, instead of me leaving them, it really doesn't matter anymore. The key thing is that I have my own life now and though I love them just as much, I do not want to be with them all the time, period.

This particularly is difficult with the Chinese culture, as we were supposed to be piety and do exactly what we were told. Of course, through me coming out from the closet as well as many other encounters, I have made it clear that I can be a good and loyal son but I don't go by those rules. The toughest part right now is for my Mom get used to that idea. She might never get used to it, and I sometimes have to adjust to her "progress" and give her credits for what she was able to take-in.

The interesting thing is, my Dad, who I seldom talk to, called this morning just to say hi. Maybe Mom had a conversation with him, and it's her way of apologizing for being so blunt over the phone.

Hey - this post was sad for me to read, but I can relate to it so much. I think you're very smart to describe the relationships with friends and family as different. I totally understand. And you sound like a very good, caring son to me. Hang in there, Sorata!

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